| umm, i dont know how to Lj cut. im sorry?? |
[15 Feb 2005|03:50pm] |
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my favorite dave barry column thus far. dedicated to michael! haha.
Survival of mankind rides on the successful pickup line
BY DAVE BARRY
So I was at this party, and I wound up at a table where three attractive single women were complaining about - Surprise! - men. Specifically, they were complaining about the pickup lines that had been used on them in a bar a few nights earlier.
One woman said: ''This guy comes up to me and says, 'Are you a teacher?' I mean, is that supposed to be romantic?''
All three women rolled all six of their eyes.
Another one of them said: ''This guy says to me, 'I've been looking at you all night!' So I go, 'Hel-LO, we just GOT here.'''
At this point all three women - and I want to stress that these are intelligent, nice women - were laughing. Not me. I was feeling bad for the guys.
I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.
So I grant that it is not easy being a female. But I contend that nature has given males the heaviest burden of all: the burden of always having to Make the First Move, and thereby risk getting Shot Down. I don't know WHY males get stuck with this burden, but it's true throughout the animal kingdom. If you watch the nature shows on the Discovery Channel, you'll note that whatever species they are talking about - birds, crabs, spiders, clams - it is ALWAYS the male who has to take the initiative. It's always the male bird who does the courting dance, making a total moron of himself, while the female bird just stands there, looking aloof, thinking about what she's going to tell her girlfriends. (''And then he hopped around on one foot! Like I'm supposed to be impressed by THAT!'').
Male insects have it the worst. The Discovery Channel announcer is always saying things like: ''After the mating, the female mantis bites off the male mantis' head, and then she and her girlfriend mantises use it to play a game that looks a lot like Skee Ball.''
Because I live in Florida, my patio is basically a giant singles bar for lizards. On any given day during mating season, I'll see dozens of male lizards out there making their most suave lizard move, which consists of inflating and deflating a red pouch under their chins. They seem to think that female lizards really go for a guy with a big chin pouch, but I have never once, in 14 years of close observation, seen a female respond. They just squat there looking bored, while all around them males are blinking on and off like defective warning lights.
Every now and then you'll see an offbeat TV news story about some animal, usually a moose, that has for some reason fallen in love with, and decided to relentlessly court, something totally inappropriate, such as a lawn tractor. This animal is ALWAYS a male. On the TV, they show it hanging around the lawn tractor with a big, sad, moony look, totally smitten, while the lawn tractor cruelly ignores it.
My point here is that, in matters of the heart, males have the brains of a walnut. No, wait! That is not my point. My point is that perhaps you women could cut us males a little bit of slack in the move-making process, because we are under a lot of stress. I vividly remember when I was in 10th grade, and I wanted to call a girl named Patty and ask her to a dance, and before I picked up the phone, I spent maybe 28 hours rehearsing exactly what I was going to say. So when I actually made the call, I was pretty smooth.
''Hello, Dance?'' I said. ''This is Patty. Do you want to go to the Dave with me?''
Fortunately Patty grasped the basic thrust of my gist and agreed to go to the dance. This was a good thing, because if she had shot me down, I would have been so humiliated that I would have never have been able to go back to school. I would have dropped out of 10th grade and lied about my age and joined the U.S. armed forces, and as a direct result the Russians would have won the Cold War.
That is the awesome power that you women have over us men. I hope you understand this, and the next time a guy walks up and uses some incredibly lame, boneheaded line on you, I hope that, instead of laughing at him, you will remember that he is under the intense pressure of wanting to impress you enough so that you might want to get to know him better and maybe eventually, perhaps within the next 15 minutes, mate with him, thereby enabling the survival of the human race, which believe me is the only thing that we males are truly concerned about.
In conclusion, let me just say to all females everywhere, on behalf of all males everywhere, that you are very beautiful and your eyes are like two shining stars, unless you're a female fly, in which case your eyes are more like 2,038 shining stars. So please give us a chance. And if you're not interested, could you introduce us to your lawn tractor?
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| Which came first, the chicken or the egg?Bill McLain |
[21 Dec 2004|08:11pm] |
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mood |
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jenn |
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music |
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i really like this answer |
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There are two answers, depending on whether you are a creationist or an evolutionist. If you are a creationist, you believe that God created man and all of the animals on the earth. It wouldn’t make a lot of sense for God to create an egg, so the chicken must have come first. After all, if God created the egg first, there would be no hen to hatch it or to take care of the baby chick once it was hatched. If you are an evolutionist, you believe that animals evolve into different species over time. Therefore, the chicken must have evolved from a former chicken-like creature. At some point in time this creature laid an egg that hatched into a modern chicken. It couldn’t have been a chicken egg, because there was no such thing as a chicken yet. The first chicken egg could only have been laid by the first chicken. Therefore, it doesn’t matter if you are a creationist or an evolutionist, the answer is the same. The chicken came before the egg.
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[08 Dec 2004|07:18am] |
dear all,
best of luck on finals.
find obligatory rant here.
I sort of like finals rants.
Good to know everyone is feeling shitty all together.
Strength in unity, comrades!
love,
charlene
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| emails my mom sends me |
[13 Nov 2004|09:00pm] |
"What you see below are not see-thru skirts. They are
actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are
visible and these are the current rage in Japan. They'll be the rage
here in the USA soon. "
 
  
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[16 Oct 2004|09:07pm] |
LEFT BRAIN / RIGHT BRAIN
This is one of the strangest things I have ever encountered.
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the
number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will
change direction and there's nothing you can do about it!
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[24 Sep 2004|01:40am] |
congrats on making it to adulthood!
now go out and get drunk.
and take me to vegas.
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| the world is no longer safe |
[15 Sep 2004|06:06pm] |
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mood |
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jenn is annoyed. |
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Thank you for writing to eBay regarding the email you received.
Emails such as this, commonly referred to as "spoof" or "phished"
messages, are sent in an attempt to collect sensitive personal or
financial information from the recipients.
The email you reported was not sent by eBay. We have reported this email
to the appropriate authorities.
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[25 Jul 2004|02:52pm] |
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Radiohead vs. Coldplay...
July 20, 2004 01:02 PM
In the Edge 102.1 survey as to who makes better make-out music, Radiohead or Coldplay, Radiohead triumphed 55-to-45.
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| should i stay or should i go |
[23 Jul 2004|03:48am] |
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summer so far hasn't quite matched up to the spectacular visions i had for it throughout spring quarter, but it's been really relaxing. inbetween shoveling popcorn into the mouths of seniors at the brink of heart attacks, and being nothing short of really really ridiculously lazy, i've managed to fulfill quite a number of goals. i've been self diagnosed of leprosy, and i've become the regular gas guzzler. i've managed to incorporate south park into as many conversations as possible. no, i have not been able to go to alaska, nor do i plan to in the near future. it's just too damn far, and i don't have the economic means to successfully make it to the other end of the earth. did anybody else know that alaska is past oregon, past washington, and PAST CANADA?
i'm ready for the fall. and star wars episode THREE. and harry potter SIX. hurry hurrry hurry hurry hurry. i need something big (not bad) to happen soon. or else i am going to explode.
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| sac education |
[21 Jul 2004|09:15pm] |
what i learned in sociology today:
What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut is someone who sleeps with everyone. A bitch is someone who sleeps with everyone but you.
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[11 Jul 2004|09:52pm] |
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i am sunburned. okay, i usually don't get sunburned. but this is helllll. okay, it's my fault for sitting out in the sun for 4 hours+ at the beach with NO Sunblock on.
okay, so i was sitting on the couch, reading. and my arm starts itching like crazy. i tried slapping and scratching. but that only made things worse. so i decided to start sucking on my arm. you know, so that my arm will focus on pain instead of itch.
now i have self-inflicted hickey's on my arm.
not funny.
Tom650my: i was telling my friend about that time you thought the sun was the moon
umm, and, yeah.
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[08 Jul 2004|01:18am] |
it's a south park episode that i just watched and i was trying to explain the whole thing to someone. please read. it's really funny. if interested, it's episode #510.
stu Pidhippo: HAHAHAHAHA
stu Pidhippo: i just watched this one south park episode
stu Pidhippo: and it's with like...kenny puts on his hooded sweater backwards
stu Pidhippo: so that on the school photo, it's a picture of his butt instead of his face
SHiNOBi PANDA: haha
stu Pidhippo: and then cartman puts the photo in the lost children thing in a milk carton
stu Pidhippo: and then it prints and it goes to wisconsin and stuff
stu Pidhippo: and then this one couple lost their kid a while back
stu Pidhippo: and they have butts for heaeds
SHiNOBi PANDA: haha omg
stu Pidhippo: and then they go to the milk company to report that they had lost their child and they thought the kid on the carton was their own kid
stu Pidhippo: and then the milk company's like...but this kid was reported missing
SHiNOBi PANDA: lol
stu Pidhippo: and then the couple says "but we were thinking that after we lost the kid, someone else lost the kid again"
stu Pidhippo: okay and then the couple are directed to cartman, because cartman had reported the kid missing
stu Pidhippo: and then kyle and stan direct the couple to kenny
stu Pidhippo: and then kenny's mom explains that the fat kid was just playing a trick
stu Pidhippo: and the couple are really sad
stu Pidhippo: okay and then they start crying, but they make farting noises
stu Pidhippo: and everyone wants to laugh but they can't in front of the couple because they're sad
SHiNOBi PANDA: wow
stu Pidhippo: and then everyone's like...okay! we want to help you! stop crying
SHiNOBi PANDA: cartman can be sucha n asshole at times
stu Pidhippo: and then the lady that works at the milk carton place
stu Pidhippo: she looks through the computer for files of kids suffering from tps
SHiNOBi PANDA: tps?
stu Pidhippo: and apparently, they had lost the kid like 20 years ago when the kid was 7
stu Pidhippo: so he's 27
stu Pidhippo: and his name's benny
stu Pidhippo: tps = the disease they're suffering from
stu Pidhippo: i forgot what it stands for
stu Pidhippo: hahaha so they're like
stu Pidhippo: narrowing down the list of kids who are missing
stu Pidhippo: and it loads it so that it's just one kid who's reporting that his parents are missing, and that he's suffering from tps
stu Pidhippo: and then the lady's all like... oh my god
stu Pidhippo: and they have this huge reunion ceremony
stu Pidhippo: and the parents are waiting
stu Pidhippo: and then everyone's waiting for the kid to come out
stu Pidhippo: and the lady's like...mr and mrs goldman, your child has turned out to be really successfull
stu Pidhippo: he's ben affleck!
stu Pidhippo: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA
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| everything is everything |
[04 Jul 2004|01:39am] |
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"Lauryns CD is pretty calming. She sings with passion her voice is beautiful. I believe this is best described as the perfect album to make love to. Mostly powerful songs about God and love once in a while she throws it down and raps a verse . what can I say shes amazing. A great CD to have in your collection, the track list is good, consistently throughout." is a review I found on Lauryn Hill's The Miseducation album. Someone tell me that this is not the funniest thing ever. Anyway, I just wanted to tell everyone that I think Lauryn Hill is like one wonderful black walking poem. She is beauty incarnate.
Today I made a list of things I want, and a separate list of things I need. The lists comprised of different things, and the things in my list of needs were things that I had once wanted, and then obtained. I found that the things within my list of needs were things that I have come to trust in so deeply that I've become so dependent on these things. Maybe I've come out weaker because I'm unable to live, per se, without them.
It's like how we've become so dependent on doctors and immunizations and aspirins. I've become so dependent on the things in my list that as a result, I've become a weaker person. I'm going on a tangent, but the gene pool has become so weak just because there is a cure for almost everything out there. Survival of the fittest no longer applies. It doesn't matter if you're of a healthier breed because all that matters now is if you can afford treatment...unless the thing that's killing you is something that no one really knows much about. But even so, with the money that you have, you can still get the best treatment offered, and just throw the money around to live just one more day. It's all about Social Darwinism now. I guess you can argue that genes play a roll in how intelligent a person is, and thus leading to the wealth that they carry in their pockets. But still, if you're at the bottom, it's so much harder to get up there, regardless of how intelligent and motivated you are. If you don't have the opportunities, then there's just no way to get out of there unless luck strikes your way.
ANYway. I decided today that happiness doesn't really exist. That it's just a superficial myth that people have come up with in order to give themselves a reason to live. But you know how people always come up with theories on how having something or being somewhere will make them happy, and it really doesn't? Yeah. I mean, I totally endorse the idea that people can have fleeting moments of happiness, but it's nothing real. At least, to me. So, uhh, if you're happy, then, uhh, good. Someone tell me I'm wrong and that there is, in fact, something to live for, thank you.
thinG I want: Lee's sandwiches, yumm
one last thing,
stu Pidhippo: even though i can be annoying and loud and stuff, i think i'm a pretty passive person
SHiNOBi PANDA: yea u really are
SHiNOBi PANDA: i meant he passive part
stu Pidhippo: hahahaHAHAHA
SHiNOBi PANDA: not the annoying and loud part
stu Pidhippo: you know i'm annoying and loud
SHiNOBi PANDA: maybe a little
SHiNOBi PANDA: but not bad
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[14 Jun 2004|10:04am] |
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ughhh. someone tell me about life after finals.
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| night shift |
[08 Jun 2004|10:12pm] |
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i just spent the last hour of work catching up on dave barry's humor columns. i'm smiling like an idiot and people walking past me are scared. haha.
you know what else cracks me up, that one ad for one tree hill. you know, the one with michael chad murray smirking because he got to be buried under a pile of females. i'll have to remember to do that with my friends next time. get on a bed and just lay on top of each other in weird, uncomfortable positions.
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tubularthree's journal
a) someone fucking smashed the left bumper of my parked car